well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
