My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
