What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
third nipple confirmed
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
