New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
