In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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