This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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