Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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