but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.