I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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