I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
