ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
