I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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