you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
