One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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