I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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