I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
