Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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