It's a beautiful day for a hangover
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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