if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
