i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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