i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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