Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
