Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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