I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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