One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
