you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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