Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
