You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
