My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The air taste purple.
Randomize
