I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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