I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think my fart just growled at me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
