Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
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Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
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Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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