Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
