we have pet lesbian snakes
I look better un-naked...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
