The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
