Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
