just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
