I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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