All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
