I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
