i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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