Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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