Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
