When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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