I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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