I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
