I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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