i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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