I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
