george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
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We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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