3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
