i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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