Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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