Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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