Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
