omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
