Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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