I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
